I'm not okay right now. but I'm going to be okay. I can promise you that.

I think I just really need my mom right now. like I really do. I know she would make more sense of all of this than I currently am.

I think I'll always love driving around its like this quick escape. I always take the same way with the same music. Its always one song. put on repeat. and thats the way I like it. I feel like thats just how I work out lifes problems. I cry. I laugh. I smile. its not always sad. but I guess most of the time it is.

its been awhile.

Its crazy how much you can miss something, when its still right there in front of you.

I promise things will change and they will get better.

I hope you're still happy.

I couldn't tell you the first thing thats going on with me right now. couldn't tell you for the life of me. but it literally might be makin me crazy.

When one thing falls apart. I guess everything goes right on with it.

Schools over and I couldn't be happier. can't wait to start fresh.

I can't wait for the new year.

I can't wait for Christmas.

I hope someday someone will love a girl like me.

You know as much as I feel like we've moved on and things have changed and gotten better. I still can't seem to forgive you. I still can't seem to forget those drunken nights. the names you called me. the nights you made me feel worthless. told me I was worthless. those things I don't think people forget. the night I watched you fall down the hallway trying to make it to your bed. those nights I'll never forget. ever.

Maybe its not about making others proud as much as it is making myself proud of the girl I am.

Thank you for driving around with me on nights that I'm upset. things like that make me happier than you know.

I''m going to mess up. I'm going to say things I don't mean.

I've been a complete emotional wreck these past few days.

11.11.11

. this is going to be such a lucky day. and I hope I have lucky things happen to me.

. 11:11 is my favorite time and I love when I look down at the clock just to see what time it is and its 11:11

. You know I can wish a lot of things about myself I want whiter teeth, be skinner, be tanner, and whatever else. but I don't really know why.

. I had a really good day and night today. I'm glad that I'm making friends with new people that has never been my strongest point.

. Winter is the loneliest time its so gloomy and cold. and thats when I hate being alone the most.

. You know things are different with my Dad and he's happy, but I still don't have the desire to go back home and be there like my friends do all the time when they go home and spend hours there. I think this will always be a situation where I will always feel indifferent about.

. maybe you deserve better.

. some things change and some things never do and some things stay the same.

. I saw an old friend today. it was awkward. but I wish it wasn't and I wish nothing ever changed.

. Its hard to want somebody to get you and understand you. but how do you do that when you don't even understand yourself.

. Its fixing to pass the 12 year mark of my moms death and in a sense it gets easier but it gets harder every time. December 26th I hope you fly by.

.

. Just being honest I wanna get in my car and drive drive drive drive drive drive drive until there is absolutely nothing around. I'd like that.

. and the truth of the matter is I'm not sure I'm really wanted around here anymore.

. I can't figure out if its me or them. maybe it's me. maybe both. but I can tell you one thing not a single damn thing is the same.

. If you don't like it here, then leave.

. I wish I had Christmas movies to watch they make me beyond happy and if my room was decorated in twinkle lights. oh geez thats pure bliss right there and maybe some hot cocoa and my favorite cuddle partner. yeah thats the perfect night right there oh and maybe some frost on the windows. oh man. yes.

. I hope this is all that you've dreamed of.

. I'm far to complicated of a person and at the end of the day I'm pretty much beyond the point of being a mess.

. But I'm happy.

happiness.

. My dad seems really really happy you know like that really good kind of happy the one where you just laugh and laugh and its that laugh I haven't heard in years. I'm crying as I write this. this is a perfect example of why I know God is good. my prayers for the past several years have been answered and my heart feels peace and happiness knowing that my dad is in a really happy place in life. I feel like restoration is in progress and I'm willing and able to accept this. Thank you God.

. Even though this weekend wasn't perfect matter of fact it wasn't really perfect at all. but thank you for not leaving. thank you. I can't really say I'm sorry for acting the way I did. but I'm glad at the end of the day you made a choice to stick around.

. I'm happy. really happy. and for some reason thats weird to me. but I love it.

. This Miranda Lambert CD is really dang good.

. I can't wait to watch cars 2. i'm lame. but I love that movie. so freakin much.

. Sometimes I let my insecurities get the best of me. and it sucks. but sometimes it happens. I'm workin on it.

. I feel like things are falling together wonderfully and things are falling apart. but I've got a good feeling that it will be fine.

. thank you for telling me that it will be fine. it means the world.

. okay goodnight lovely world.

oh you know.

. I called you the other day for the first time just to tell you about my life and what was going on. you seemed happy for me. thank you. I cried knowing that for once you were happy for me. you don't know how long I've needed that. thank you dad.

. I went to the taylor swift concert this past saturday. walking in I saw a dad taking his three young daughters to see her perform. I hope I marry a man like this someday. I won't settle for less than a man who will love his children unconditionally.

. Really take a look at your life. you have nothing to hate. you live a beautiful life.

. I had a random act of kindness done for me today. it really did make my whole day.

. You know the truth is I haven't a clue anymore. and I'm learning to just go with it. I'm doing pretty good.

. You're pretty dang good at leavin people with that feel like crap feeling.

. I wish more than anything that I had more memories of my mom. but I've only got a few. and I hold on to them like nothing else. she was a beautiful person inside and out.

. I really do think everything is turning out just how it should. I'm at a really happy place in life.

. I decided where I stand on drinking. and I make my choices based on how I see my family deal with alcohol. I remember being 13 and my dad calling my sister to come get him cause he was so drunk. I'm not willing to walk down that path.

. Its time for you to grow up. act 31. for the love of God.

. you are an amazing person. beyond amazing. and I don't even think you know how quite amazing you are.

. I interviewed for my first "real" job today. my bestfriends texted me wishing me the best of luck cause I was so nervous. the little things like that really really make me happy.

. You don't even have a clue. do you?

. I don't think you quite know how to just be there for someone. just to be there. thats all. thats really all.

. I wish I had a really good rain playlist to listen to when it rains.

. I'm currently sitting here writing this listening to eric church. i love his music.

. All I wanna do right now is play the sims. geez.

. The reason I don't wanna drink, is because it scares me that someday maybe I won't be able to handle it just as you can't.

. I wish I could go back to the very beginning of summer sometimes.

. Summer to me is just so simple and easy. and that is literally what I live for.

. So I'd give anything to be sitting at the lake right now no makeup my hair is a mess without a care in the world.

my thoughts lately. okay bye.

no idea anymore.

Currently I'm sitting here and I think about this one thing all the time, and its what exactly I want to do in life and what I want out of life. Its to the point that I stress out almost daily and have mini panic attacks but then I take a deep breathe and remind myself that I'm nineteen years young, I'm not supposed to have it all together and know exactly where I'm going right? or no. But I've really learned not knowing what you want is one of the most horrible feelings. I've never really been here before. I've never been the one to not know what I want. but now i'm here and just so you know it really sucks. but I continually tell myself I'll be alright and I'll figure it out on my own. and thats what I'm going to keep telling myself. until one day it makes sense and I know what I want.

I wrote this august of 2009. funny how things change.

1. You've honestly been the bestest freind I could possibly ever ask for... we fight sometimes well acutaly matter of fact we did today. haha but i cant really put into words of how much your inpsire me and the passion that you have for God is beyond amazing and i admire that so much.. you probably dont know this but i look up to you show much.. you have also been the most honest truthful person ive ever met and probably ever will meet i love how you are you lol i love how we have jokes that no one will ever get and how were so weird and we kind of just dont really care.. i love you more than words can really say.
2. You are also the most amazing best friend that ive ever had.. you've been there through it all and you just listen when i cry about the same thing over and over and youve probably given me the most amazing advice and your one of the wiset people i know. your passion for just life and God and fusion amaze me. i love you.
3. I wanna thank you so much for always supporting everything that I have ever wanted to do in life. Thank you for loving me.
4. Thank you for letting me be my complete self around you and loving me for who I am and thank you for supporting me even though we fight way to much i will always love you and you have made a huge impact on my life. I look up to you a lot even thought we don't really see eye to eye on a lot. I will always love you with all of my heart.
5. I miss you more than words can really say... I wish I got to know you better and I wish you were still here today. But I know that its all a part of God's plan I want to thank you for raising me the way you did, and thank you for being the one to implant that seed of faith in my life. You are one of the most amazing women of God and love i will ever meet. I love and miss you so much.
6. You have always been that guy that has always been there.. I wanna thank you for being there that night that i just poured my heart out to you. You don't know how much you've helped me in life I don't think I tell you that enough. Your one of the most amazing guys I have ever had in my life.
7. Thank you for being you.
8. I've had some of the best times in my life with you. I think you brought out a side of me that I was missing.
9. I wish we were still friends.
10. You are one of the most amazing people that I have been blessed with in life. I admire you for all that you've been through in life and been one of the strongest people I know. Thank you for making realize so many things in life. i love you.

-I think out of all of these maybe 3 remain true. its so crazy how much things change and people change.

. You deserve more than what you've got. I hope you know that.

. Everyone deserves to be happy.

. I'm glad I don't go a day without laughing. and I'm glad I've got people who make me laugh on a daily basis. thats a pretty important thing.

. I promise that your day will come.

. You wouldn't even eat dinner with me the other night. that really hurt my feelings. I hope you know that. but the truth is you probably haven't the slightest clue.

. You can't run away forever.

. I love when it rains. I love thinking really hard when it rains. I love reading when it rains. I love cuddling when it rains. I love kissing when it rains. I love baking when it rains. I love crying when it rains. I love laying on the couch with my best friends watching movies and talking about life when it rains. I love driving when it rains. I love listening to music about rain while it rains. I just really love rain.

. I hope your happy where ever you go. and I hope you know that.

. You know people are gonna say things sometimes that hurt your feelings make you cry or whatever. but you eventually get over it. I'm just learning to get over it a lot quicker. cause when you really sit back and think about it. its never worth getting upset over.

. When I think about where I'll be this time next year. it really scares me. the thought of my two best friends moving scares me.

. I looked up colleges in texas the other night. but for some reason I don't think I'm ready to pack up and leave this place just yet. or maybe its cause I don't wanna go alone. but sometimes I think its good to go on your own.

. I don't really quite know where i'd be if you moved 12 hours away.

. I feel like I'm fixing to feel what change really is.

. and this time I'm not included in that change.

. so for right now I just need someone to tell me that its all going to be fine and they will be fine and i'll be fine.

. you had a really good thing. and you let that go.

. the truth is I couldn't tell you the first thing about you anymore. and its weird that I can't do that. we used to know each other like the back of our hands. people change. grow apart. and move on. and thats what we did.

. I trust you.

. I can't even express how much I love the little things and life. I'll always hold on to the little things. always.

. It was a lesson learned.

. Sometimes I wanna drive back to the house I grew up in. and just ask to come in. my step dad never let me back in that house after my mom passed. I just wanna see it one more time. its not for closure. I just wanna go back. i guess just because. thats okay right.

. I hate when people say "they didn't know what they had" cause maybe at the end of the day you didn't know what you had.

. I kinda miss the little things. it kinda just all stopped.

. Somethings are better left unsaid. remember that.

. I remember the day I fell for you. it was a really really great day.

. If there is one thing that I hope you never forget is where you came from.

hey if by chance you're reading this..

i like you. and thank you for always caring about what I write and I love the little ways you let me know that you have read it. you really don't know how much that means to me.

heres a title.

. I'm no good at this. and thats where every fear I have comes from. no one ever taught me how to do all this. I'm not sure your taught how to do this all. but who knows.

. Its nights like these I hate where you know you'll get no sleep. but thats just about every night.

. it was you.

. I get my feelings hurt far to much. maybe cause I care too much.

. I want someone to know me and why i'm me and why I do what I do. the good and bad.

. I cry most nights not knowing how you are and wondering if your okay. i could pick up the phone and call. but i wont.

. I hate feeling the way I feel about life right now. I'm really happy. but I'm really upset all at the same time. I wonder all the time where I'll even be next year. cause I literally have no idea what I want to do. and if you've ever felt that feeling. its a real sucky one.

. I think to far into just about everything and anything.

. You know some things you can't change about people. you either choose to be okay with that. or you can leave and walk away.

. You've got it made and you have no idea.

. You know I say all the time I'm okay with where I came from and all that follows with that. but somedays I'm really not. and I wish it was different. cause then I'd be different and probably not as screwed up as I am. but then I remember I've got people that love me for that screwed up person that I am.

. I've never wanted to punch someone more than that night. you deserve so much more than that. so much more.

. You know I really do hope it works out for you two. but remember your the one that pushed us all away.

. I'm still searching for the reason of why my mom died. and how thats in my plan.

. Cause I find a new damn reason everyday of why I need her. every damn day.

. Sometimes I write blogs. that just sit on my computer. and I dont really know why I dont post them.

. I can't tell you why I am the way I am. i'm sorry.

. I wish I had that to go home to.

. I don't like bringing up old things. but I bet you couldn't tell me the first thing about myself. or what I even liked or didn't like. I bet not even one simple thing.

. My dad hasn't told me he missed me once since I left. I didn't expect it. I guess I just thought it would be nice to know you missed me. if you did.

. I really do wish puppies made everything better. cause I'd like about 7 right now.

. People are people. they make mistakes.

. That hurt my feelings more than you'll ever know.

. Reading peoples blogs of the work that God is doing in their lives. always makes my heart happy.

. I'm learning to give it all to God. and be able to trust in him with everything that I've got. I think I finally reached a breaking point of pain and brokenness. and I'm tired. and broken. and its still really hard at the end of the day to give it all to God. I'm just being real. so many times I try to do it on my own. I've failed for the last several years at it. I feel like I've finally hit that point of really really learning that I can not overcome without him.

. I'm seriously about to walk myself downstairs and eat that whole pan of brownies.

. I wanna fall in love one day. I'm sure its a really amazing thing. but I've seen people be "in love" and if thats love then I really don't want any part of it.

. I will never ever change myself for someone. ever. I've been there and done that. I've never been more disappointed in myself.

. I'm not afraid to admit I'm wrong. cause I'm wrong a lot.

la la la la la

. You've got a really weird way of making me feel like crap.

. I really have the urge to be in texas right now. it just seems like the fun thing to do.

. I think sometimes its okay to think about people you know you shouldn't who doesn't?

. I get my feelings hurt to easily.

. I thank God everyday for answering that prayer.

. Some people really get me, and some really don't. but thats normal. and thats life.

. I'll never apologize for being me.

. The funniest thing I heard today was that my dad bought a bowling alley. it made me laugh so hard. random fact.

. I think I might start going to counseling again. I wanna get over it. but I don't know how anymore.

. I'm not ashamed to post anything on here. so sorry if you think I'm weird.

. The littlest things make my day, I saw a shooting star tonight it made me so happy.

. I'm learning to just walk away from the silly things.

. I try to never sad or mad tweet.

. I wish I was a beautiful dancer. i have no rhythm. so I do it for the laughs.

. My sisters business is closing down, I'm sad to see her dream go away. and be unsuccessful. but i see a lot of good in it for her. it will be okay. i promise. through thick and thin.

.

change. it happens.

I think about change all the time. mostly before I go to bed or when I'm driving. I'm learning its a huge part of life and that I will always have to be okay with change cause sometimes you can't help it. and thats okay. I'm learning that people change. and sometimes they leave or come back. and sometimes I don't like either of those. or sometimes they change into the very person you always thought they wouldn't be. but at the end of the day people are people. and you have to learn to either be okay with who that person is now. or leave and walk away. I've never really been one to really walk away. even if I might say i'm going to. I'm learning that I have changed that I'm not who I was a year ago. and sometimes when I sit and really really look at who I am I see changes that I'm not always okay with but I realize that its going to happen and I think its okay to go through changes in life that aren't always good. its a learning experience. but I see a lot of good in myself of where i was a year ago. and I'm content with that. but at the end of the day change is a funny thing. and no matter how hard you try to stop it from occurring it wont.

its.a.lovely.day.for.writing.

. I always give people chances. and I never stop. and sometimes I end up getting hurt that way. but I wont ever stop giving people the chance.

. I sometimes wonder where I'd be if my mom was still around. or even who I'd be. cause she would have raised me nothing like how my dad did.

. It makes me so angry that you couldn't be the way you are now. you seem happy. why couldn't you be like that for the last 8 years.

. I'll never forget the names you called me. no dad should ever say the things you said to me. I have no idea what heartbreak feels like but when I think back on those times I'd imagine thats how it would feel.

. I wanna be worth it.

. I'm scared I won't.

. I'm sorry for all that you have been through. but I feel like I understand you and why you say and do the things you do.

. I wonder when the day I'll stop talking so negative about my dad. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to talk positive.

. I don't think you like being happy for people who are happy.

. Sometimes you just have to really really give it all you got.

. I hope that i'm not too much to handle.

. Today I chose to not be scared of everything anymore.

. I dont ever wanna look back on my life and wonder what if.

. I dont know where I stand on drinking. and I hate when people point out when I'm not drinking.

. I need my bestfriend right now.

. I still get nervous.

. I can't wait for the winter time. its my favorite.

i.don't.know

I really don't know what I want anymore. life wise. like career wise. but then again I'm only 19. so thats okay right.
I always listen to the same music when I write.
People who genuinely love people with all that they've got. makes me happier then you'll ever know.
I want to change lives someday. and I think you can change lives in whatever you do. some people don't think that. but you really can. i promise.
Looking at your facebook and seeing who you are now. reminds me that I don't know you anymore. that breaks my heart. but you seem happy. so thats good.
Its stupid to stay together when it just seems like the right thing. so you do all the right things. but at the end of the day sometimes its just not going to work out. and you'll be okay.
The month of may has been my favorite month of 2011.
I've been to counseling 2 times in my life. i'm sad that I was ever ashamed of that. its okay to go to counseling. it doesn't mean your crazy or whatever people think these days.
I'm really self conscious of my body. i'll get over it.
I hope I get to live in texas someday. I googled small towns in texas the other day. they were beautiful. now if only dillon, texas existed.
I really am a mess.
You really do make me proud.
I'm learning to be more supportive even when I don't understand it.
I'm far to quick to speak sometimes. and I normally regret it all the minute it comes out of my mouth.
I've had the hardest times of my life in the fall and winter, but I've got a really happy feeling about this fall and winter. I feel like it's a God thing.
I wish I remembered my dreams, cause I feel like I've got really good ones.
You've seemed really good when you call lately. I'm glad.

i like writing like this cause i get all of it out at once.

I feel like I might not know who you are anymore.

I started my second year of college yesterday, I don't know how I feel about it quite yet.

I didn't sleep last night, everything just replayed in my head. over and over.

I hope I never have to sing lyrics to that song and acutally be able to relate.

Sometimes I wish you'd pick up the phone and call, but if you did I wouldn't answer.

Thank you for loving me for me.

I wish you'd stop acting like you dont have a clue on what the hell is going on.

If you didn't think it was about you, you are completley mistaken.

I don't ever want to go back to that place. its not the same. and it won't be.

I love when people are so passionate about what they do. It brings an indescribable happiness to my life.

If I could I'd give anything to move right now. but I think I'd be back in a week.

I love your laugh.

I like listening to sad music when it rains. but sometimes I'm not sad. it just fits better.

Your one of the most beautiful people inside and out.

Someday I wanna sit with someone whose eating alone. I havent decided if its creepy or nice yet.

I'm glad that you read everything I post on here, you dont' know how happy that makes me. and how you bring it up in little ways just to let me know you've seen it.

I'm beyond ready for winter.

I quit my job, I don't have another one. but I kind of think thats okay. for now.

I'm growing up.

and your not here. your not here to see it. your not here to see how my life is playing out. I miss you a lot these days. I got my first bill in the mail today and it hit me that I'm an adult and I live on my own and thats all so weird still, and your not here to witness that. I start school tomorrow and if you were here you would know that and you'd be the one that cared and you'd be there asking me all about it and what I plan on doing and when and where my classes are. dad didn't even know I started school but then again he didn't even know what today was. there isn't a day that doesn't pass by that I don't think about you. for some reason the other day I said "mom" in reference to something and I realized I haven't said that in a while and it hit me that I'll never be able to use that word like I should be able to use that word. my hearts heavy tonight. its one of those times i need to pick up the phone and call you. or drive wherever you are. but your not here.

late nights.

I always think far to much when its late, but I'm pretty sure everyone does. I hate that I over analyze everything in my life. I hate that I question everything. Its late nights like these where what if after what if runs through my head. i hate that. I can tell my self to let go of every fear and doubt and whatever else and say to hell with it. but its never that easy. ever. but tonight i'll try.

I really miss this place.

Lives were changed here. My life was changed here.

chains be broken. lives be healed. eyes be opened. Christ is revealed.

you.

make me really happy. I'm glad I know you exist now.

it always reminds me of you.

My old man's got a problem

He did with the bottle thats the way it is

He said his body is too old for workin'

His body is too young to look like his

Mama went off and left him

She wanted more from life than he could give

I said somebody's gotta take care of him

So I quit school and thats what I did.

I miss this. I miss that you. It was good then.

there is beauty in brokenness.

I like to read random peoples blogs or tumblrs. Its just fun for me and I think its more fun when you don't know that person. I don't really know why I like it so much. But as I sit here reading people's and they are pouring their hearts out, it breaks mine. Its completely hit me that at the end of the day we are all broken. every single one of us. the most amazing thing about it all is we have a God who restores brokenness and mends the pieces. thats beautiful when you sit and really really think about it. cause I think a good part of the time we live life just trying to fake it just trying to make it through. and the greatest thing is that we don't have to.

I trust in you. I believe your my healer. I believe you are all I need.

I believe your my portion. I believe your more than enough for me. Jesus your all I need.

i need you.

I'm sitting here looking through old pictures. Everything was so simple back then, I can't remember having a single care in the world. I miss that. I'm fixing to move out of the house I've lived in for the past 12 years of my life, and I don't really feel like I've got a single reason to be sad about that. but I'm sad. I'm not sure I'm ready but I guess I kind of have to be. There's just something about tonight that makes me feel like I need you more than ever just to hold me and tell me that its all going to be okay. that I'll be fine. But your not here and you can't do that so somehow I've gotta tell myself I'm okay and its all going to be just fine. I need you. I miss you.

the truth is..

I'm not doing really good.

and thats okay.

I like writing like this.

1. On Fathers Day... I didn’t wish my dad a Happy Father’s Day. the sad thing is is that I’m okay with it. thats the only part that hurts.
2. Sometimes I think its best to walk away and never look back.
3. I hate people who tell you just what you want to hear.
4. The song “the house that built me” by Miranda Lambert makes me cry most of the time I listen to it. it just hits home for me i guess.
5. I over analyze just about everything. i hate it.
6. Lately i’ve cried more than normal. i miss my mom.
7. Honestly being close to someone scares me more than it probably should.
8. I would give anything to go back to when my biggest worry was being home before the street light came on. But there’s a part of me that knows I’m doing just fine where I am.
9. Someday I wanna live in a two-story house that sits on a huge piece of land.
10. I’m far to awkward.
11. Its stupid to try and make something work when you know it wont.
12. I think its okay to just cry or to just feel sad sometimes.
13. For the first time in a long time I think I’m good to go.
14. I hate when people stay in relationships cause its all they really know. you’ll be okay if you leave. I promise.
15. Sometimes I wonder where you are. I don’t miss you though.
16. You make me feel really happy. like the kind of happy that I lay in bed by myself and just smile. that kind of happy.
17. I think you know what you need to do. I just wish you could.
18. I think to much about lyrics that people post.
19. I like sitting in that passenger seat of yours or on that tailgate.
20. Your a twitter whore. But like in a good way.
21. I think its best that you let go and let the past be the past. I know thats hard but I think you and I both know thats what you need.
22. Your a complete mess.
23. I miss going to church and fusion. those were some of the best times of my life spent with those crazy people.
24. Your an asshole for leaving your “family” behind. But glad you’ve got a new one.
25. I talk about my nose a lot.
26. I don’t really like using correct grammar when writing. as you’ve noticed.

change.

I'm sitting here in my house. by myself. and it's completely hit me that there has been so much change lately in my life. some good. some bad. I've witnessed things I never thought I would. the other night I watched my sister throw her wedding ring at her husband stating she no longer wants what she has. But in all reality it didn't come as a shock. its all I've ever know to see people leave. it sounds like a taylor swift song saying it that way, but I don't know a better way to word it. sorry. people wake up one day and realize that they no longer want what is right there in front of them anymore. and a part of me is completely okay with that because I know that people change their minds. and thats okay.

my precious little thoughts.

1. I love my dog bailey, but I think he's one of the ugliest dogs.

2. I have had the same best friend since I was in 5th grade. I'm thankful for this everyday.

3.I have big dreams, and I am going to make them happen.

4. I've never been in love or had my heart broken, but something inside me wants to know what both feel like.

5. I used to have a step-dad and I used to call him dad. I feel like it broke my actual dad's heart.

6. I let people walk over me to much.

7. I lack trust in most people in my life.

8. I miss my mom more than anything. I wish she could see the woman I'm turning out to be.

9. My sister is one of my best friends.

10. I'm scared I'll fail at life.

11. At 18 one of my biggest fears is getting a divorce, I don't even have a boyfriend.

12. One day I'll actually say what in my head i've been thinking of saying to you, I secretly hope it makes you feel the hurt you made me feel.

13. My kid's won't have a grandma. It breaks my heart.

14. I wish my Dad would be a Dad 100 percent of the time. Not just when he chooses to.

15. I wish I grew up in household like my friends did, but the older I got I realized it wasn't as perfect as I had always thought.

16. I always wanted my first kiss on a lit up ferris wheel. It didn't happen.

18. I wish my senior year of high school was what I always dreamed it would have been. It wasn't even close.

19. I miss friends that I thought I would have in my life forever. I go weeks, months, or years without talking to them.

21. I know that my day will come, and I'll meet someone amazing.

22. I miss my dog jake and jake. yes I had two dogs with the same name.

23. I miss when my biggest concern was being home before the street lights came on.

24. I've never broken a bone. But yet I want to. Is that weird?

27. I realized that people change and leave.

28. I'm glad I never partied in high school.

29. I sometimes make really stupid decisions. like signing a two-year contract at the beach tanning. thats pretty much asking for skin cancer.

30. I like staying up late at night reading peoples blogs. most of the time I don't know them, but I think its more fun that way.

31. I hate texting. and I normally don't reply. I know its mean, but I don't feel bad but I think I probably should.

32. Falling for people who have not the slightest clue want they want. its stupid.

33. I still jump on my trampoline daily. its just my thing. like people go to the gym or whatever to just get away. well same goes for me and my trampoline.

34. I hate the way a person smells after getting a spray tan.

35. I wish people knew there self-worth.

36. A part of me wants to move out of Oklahoma, but I just say that cause I want to escape people and problems, but I know they will still always be there.

37. I didn't go visit my mom's grave on the day she died or her birthday. And I don't really know why I didn't.

39. I wanna go back to California and lay on the beach all day and listen to music.

41. Life's to short.

42. I like playing video games and I want to get a headset and play with people online. creepy.

43. I like having deep conversations with people.

44. I don't like spending time with my Grandma because I highly dislike the guy she married.

45. I hope I marry a man nothing like my dad.

46. I never want to live in a huge house.

47. Sometimes I think its perfectly fine when absolutely nothing works out.

48. I cry a lot when I'm driving.

49. I'll never forget that you told me if it didn't work out that I'd be okay. I'm okay.

50. I've changed myself for people before. I hate that I ever did that.

51. I think you were screwing me over from day one.

52. I suck at letting go.

53. I like buckle jeans better then the jeans we sell at my store. whoops.

54. I think boys think tapout shirts give them magical powers.

55. I think I should put myself out there more.

56. Most Taylor Swift songs make me cry.

57. I wanna be just like my mother when I'm a mom. and cook every night. well most.

58. I wish I didn't let certain people back in my life. they never changed.

59. I want another puppy. lab.

60. I don't know if I'll ever make it through college.

61. I know I deserved better. Its probably one of the best realizations I've had in awhile. It just clicked.

62. I can't stand people who hide from reality. It eventually catches up with you.

63. I wanna start riding bikes and running.

64. I wish I could stay committed to the gym. to lazy.

65. I think I enjoy sleep more than a person should. Sometimes I just don't really see the point in getting up. it makes me sad.

66. I want someone to fight for my heart.

67. I want someone who leaves the games behind.

68. People need to stop living in high school. high school's over. whatever happened back then. its the past now. so move the hell on.

69. I like cussing a lot these days. It doesn't make me feel any less lady like. sorry.

70. My ideal age to go back to would be 2. my parents were still together.

71. I think my dad never fell out of love with my mom. I think thats why nothing ever worked out with him relationship wise.

72. I wish my dad was still the man I knew when I was younger.

72. My best memories of a child was spending the whole day out on the boat at the lake. I wanna give my kids the same.

73. Sometimes i look back on relationships, people, or random times. and wonder how in the world i thought i was happy.

For me it's always seems easier to just walk away and leave. I think for the most part people would agree, its always easier to walk away and never look back. Lately I've become more of the person that doesn't really want to deal with life and its problems so I don't think about them or at least try to not think about them. Thats what scares me more than anything is because I know exactly where all this is coming from. I've lived in a home for the past 12 years that its just the norm to not deal with life, and I have this great fear that I'm gonna turn out to be exactly like the man that sits in that chair every night and hardly ever says a word and drinks most nights because thats how he deals. thats what gets him through. I always fail to realize that there is a God who loves me unconditionally and why I always fail to realize that. My problems may be big, but my God is bigger. I know that I have been made into a strong enough person to ever become that man that sits in that chair everynight because he can't deal.

all of my life

in every season

you are still God.

realizing

I think today that it finally hit me that i might have become the girl that i thought i never would. I wrote in the "about me" section on my facebook at the very beginning of my freshman year of college describing who i was and what made me who i am. but little did i realize that as the year went by everything that was written in that little paragraph begin to slip away and became false. I wrote that i never drank or partied. and i never have really partied. and still as i sit here writing this i can't really even tell you why i did things that i always said i wouldn't i don't know if its because i just wanted to know what it felt like or what. but all i know is the girl i never wanted to become i just became. i feel like i lost myself in the midst of the world. i still find myself just saying things just to say them or do things just to do them and in some way it makes people happy and then i somehow became a people pleaser. and it just now today hit me that i'm not "me" anymore. I think i've been running from what i've needed back in my life for a long time. and i think a good part of the time people run far from what they actually need in their life whatever that may be. i've always been good at running. never really wanting to face reality. well guess what cheyenne, its time to face reality. It breaks my heart that i've given off this impression of this girl that i'm not just because i think its gonna make people happy. well to hell with that. cause i'm done pleasing people. i'm running back to what i need. what i love. what i like. me.

John 16:33
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

sorry.

i've wished so much lately that you could just change and be the dad i've need for the past 10 years of my life. I've been told by it seems like everyone on your side of the family that you just don't know how to love like i needed you to you. like your not capable. they said you show your love by finically providing for me. because i know that dads aren't as affectionally loving as mothers are to their children. so i believed that you loved me by financial support. but it was lies it turns out you had been taking money out of my trust fund in excess amounts. it was never used on me. this sounds so stupid but all i wanted when i was little was to go to disney world and just be a kid and experience it like all my friends did. but instead you blew your money on several vacations to vegas with your girlfriend at the time. and i know you were left all alone to do this whole parent thing. and i know thats never easy. i know that. but for once i just needed you to care. just for a little bit. thats all i wanted. and you couldn't. i feel bad for disliking someone so much. i don't think you'll ever understand the pain you've made me feel. the nights you'd ask my why i was crying. but i don't think you really cared. you just knew it was the right "dad" move. and you'd always turn the conversations on to you and your problems because you don't know how to just be there. just to listen to me. you couldn't. so i'd listen to you for hours on end about relationships with women you should've made it work with. or you should of done this or that with your life. when it was just for once supposed to be me pouring my heart out with what was going on with me. i've reached the point where i don't care about you anymore. it breaks my heart that i somehow just don't care about my own dad anymore. i don't care anymore that i come home most every night and your drinking and listening to sad music for hours upon hours. because you can't deal with life. and i find a lot of that in myself and i know where i get it. it scares me more than anything that i will turn out like you. i'll never forget all of the verbal abuse you put me through. but i have forgiven for you that. but somehow i just can't seem to forget it. yet. I'm done trying to please you and make you happy. i've learned that what makes you happy is woman and money. i can't give you that. i hope one day you reliaze i needed you all those years and you weren't there.

“Some people think that it’s holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it’s letting go.”

iletgo.

I let go of you tonight. Well there really wasn’t much to let go of. But I let go.

For some reason I thought you wouldn't hurt me. I was so blinded by you and your ways.

I threw away your shirt. I kept it in hopes to wear it again, I knew this would never happen so I really don’t know why I kept it.

I deleted you from facebook. it reminds me of something I would of done 6 years ago. but I needed you gone.

I deleted all of our texts. I might miss it for a couple of days. But I know I’m better than you and your bullshit.

In the back of my mind I knew you would never pick me. I’m glad you didn’t.

If you text me asking how I’m doing. I’ll simply reply saying please lose my number and the next time I cross your mind and you wonder how I am. I’ll be doing just fine. I promise.

I hope you someday realize your an ass and change your ways, let down every wall you’ve built up and fall in love and commit to someone amazing.

I really do wish you the best.