and the fact of the matter is it still hurts like hell. but I'll pretend it doesn't I guess until it just doesn't.

lately...

. I guess this is kinda what it feels like. and its the worst feeling in the world.

. I feel like its always for now on going to be past the point of fixable.

. A child should never have to worry about their parent taking their own life.

. I'm still trying to find happiness in each and everyday. no matter what.

. I just wish you'd understand how much sometimes I just need someone to just hold me and really tell me its all going to be okay. and that may be silly. but right now its exactly what I need. more than anything.

I've never liked it when people blame their present life based on their past life, but I've spent a lot of time thinking about this today and its really hard sometimes to not base your present from your past. Its really hard. You left me a completely broken person. You left me with so many issues with myself and I do blame that on you. because you couldn't do your job. you just couldn't. the things you yelled at me and convinced me that I am. I'll never forget the times you yelled at me calling me "a piece of shit" among the many other vulgar things you said and somehow convinced me thats all I was. but yet to come apologize later on. So today as I sit here and write all of this down I still realize there are so many parts of me that are still in repair after all those years. and its going to take time. its going to take a lot of time for me to be okay. I've seriously considered going back to counseling to maybe in hopes fix this brokeness. I told my sister the other day that I would never allow you to walk me down the isle of my wedding one day and she was shocked but I will never let the man that was supposed to "love" me give me away to that man that first loved me. because I know the love that you think you showed me is not love thats never love. ever. cause you don't do the things you did to the people you love. you just don.t this will forever break my heart. and the crazy thing is I still try so hard to be everything you need and want and try so hard to make you happy but I've finally for the last time came to realization that it will never be about me. and I will never be to blame for your life.

I'm not okay right now. but I'm going to be okay. I can promise you that.

I think I just really need my mom right now. like I really do. I know she would make more sense of all of this than I currently am.

I think I'll always love driving around its like this quick escape. I always take the same way with the same music. Its always one song. put on repeat. and thats the way I like it. I feel like thats just how I work out lifes problems. I cry. I laugh. I smile. its not always sad. but I guess most of the time it is.

its been awhile.

Its crazy how much you can miss something, when its still right there in front of you.

I promise things will change and they will get better.

I hope you're still happy.

I couldn't tell you the first thing thats going on with me right now. couldn't tell you for the life of me. but it literally might be makin me crazy.

When one thing falls apart. I guess everything goes right on with it.

Schools over and I couldn't be happier. can't wait to start fresh.

I can't wait for the new year.

I can't wait for Christmas.

I hope someday someone will love a girl like me.

You know as much as I feel like we've moved on and things have changed and gotten better. I still can't seem to forgive you. I still can't seem to forget those drunken nights. the names you called me. the nights you made me feel worthless. told me I was worthless. those things I don't think people forget. the night I watched you fall down the hallway trying to make it to your bed. those nights I'll never forget. ever.

Maybe its not about making others proud as much as it is making myself proud of the girl I am.

Thank you for driving around with me on nights that I'm upset. things like that make me happier than you know.

I''m going to mess up. I'm going to say things I don't mean.