there is beauty in brokenness.

I like to read random peoples blogs or tumblrs. Its just fun for me and I think its more fun when you don't know that person. I don't really know why I like it so much. But as I sit here reading people's and they are pouring their hearts out, it breaks mine. Its completely hit me that at the end of the day we are all broken. every single one of us. the most amazing thing about it all is we have a God who restores brokenness and mends the pieces. thats beautiful when you sit and really really think about it. cause I think a good part of the time we live life just trying to fake it just trying to make it through. and the greatest thing is that we don't have to.

I trust in you. I believe your my healer. I believe you are all I need.

I believe your my portion. I believe your more than enough for me. Jesus your all I need.

i need you.

I'm sitting here looking through old pictures. Everything was so simple back then, I can't remember having a single care in the world. I miss that. I'm fixing to move out of the house I've lived in for the past 12 years of my life, and I don't really feel like I've got a single reason to be sad about that. but I'm sad. I'm not sure I'm ready but I guess I kind of have to be. There's just something about tonight that makes me feel like I need you more than ever just to hold me and tell me that its all going to be okay. that I'll be fine. But your not here and you can't do that so somehow I've gotta tell myself I'm okay and its all going to be just fine. I need you. I miss you.

the truth is..

I'm not doing really good.

and thats okay.

I like writing like this.

1. On Fathers Day... I didn’t wish my dad a Happy Father’s Day. the sad thing is is that I’m okay with it. thats the only part that hurts.
2. Sometimes I think its best to walk away and never look back.
3. I hate people who tell you just what you want to hear.
4. The song “the house that built me” by Miranda Lambert makes me cry most of the time I listen to it. it just hits home for me i guess.
5. I over analyze just about everything. i hate it.
6. Lately i’ve cried more than normal. i miss my mom.
7. Honestly being close to someone scares me more than it probably should.
8. I would give anything to go back to when my biggest worry was being home before the street light came on. But there’s a part of me that knows I’m doing just fine where I am.
9. Someday I wanna live in a two-story house that sits on a huge piece of land.
10. I’m far to awkward.
11. Its stupid to try and make something work when you know it wont.
12. I think its okay to just cry or to just feel sad sometimes.
13. For the first time in a long time I think I’m good to go.
14. I hate when people stay in relationships cause its all they really know. you’ll be okay if you leave. I promise.
15. Sometimes I wonder where you are. I don’t miss you though.
16. You make me feel really happy. like the kind of happy that I lay in bed by myself and just smile. that kind of happy.
17. I think you know what you need to do. I just wish you could.
18. I think to much about lyrics that people post.
19. I like sitting in that passenger seat of yours or on that tailgate.
20. Your a twitter whore. But like in a good way.
21. I think its best that you let go and let the past be the past. I know thats hard but I think you and I both know thats what you need.
22. Your a complete mess.
23. I miss going to church and fusion. those were some of the best times of my life spent with those crazy people.
24. Your an asshole for leaving your “family” behind. But glad you’ve got a new one.
25. I talk about my nose a lot.
26. I don’t really like using correct grammar when writing. as you’ve noticed.

change.

I'm sitting here in my house. by myself. and it's completely hit me that there has been so much change lately in my life. some good. some bad. I've witnessed things I never thought I would. the other night I watched my sister throw her wedding ring at her husband stating she no longer wants what she has. But in all reality it didn't come as a shock. its all I've ever know to see people leave. it sounds like a taylor swift song saying it that way, but I don't know a better way to word it. sorry. people wake up one day and realize that they no longer want what is right there in front of them anymore. and a part of me is completely okay with that because I know that people change their minds. and thats okay.

my precious little thoughts.

1. I love my dog bailey, but I think he's one of the ugliest dogs.

2. I have had the same best friend since I was in 5th grade. I'm thankful for this everyday.

3.I have big dreams, and I am going to make them happen.

4. I've never been in love or had my heart broken, but something inside me wants to know what both feel like.

5. I used to have a step-dad and I used to call him dad. I feel like it broke my actual dad's heart.

6. I let people walk over me to much.

7. I lack trust in most people in my life.

8. I miss my mom more than anything. I wish she could see the woman I'm turning out to be.

9. My sister is one of my best friends.

10. I'm scared I'll fail at life.

11. At 18 one of my biggest fears is getting a divorce, I don't even have a boyfriend.

12. One day I'll actually say what in my head i've been thinking of saying to you, I secretly hope it makes you feel the hurt you made me feel.

13. My kid's won't have a grandma. It breaks my heart.

14. I wish my Dad would be a Dad 100 percent of the time. Not just when he chooses to.

15. I wish I grew up in household like my friends did, but the older I got I realized it wasn't as perfect as I had always thought.

16. I always wanted my first kiss on a lit up ferris wheel. It didn't happen.

18. I wish my senior year of high school was what I always dreamed it would have been. It wasn't even close.

19. I miss friends that I thought I would have in my life forever. I go weeks, months, or years without talking to them.

21. I know that my day will come, and I'll meet someone amazing.

22. I miss my dog jake and jake. yes I had two dogs with the same name.

23. I miss when my biggest concern was being home before the street lights came on.

24. I've never broken a bone. But yet I want to. Is that weird?

27. I realized that people change and leave.

28. I'm glad I never partied in high school.

29. I sometimes make really stupid decisions. like signing a two-year contract at the beach tanning. thats pretty much asking for skin cancer.

30. I like staying up late at night reading peoples blogs. most of the time I don't know them, but I think its more fun that way.

31. I hate texting. and I normally don't reply. I know its mean, but I don't feel bad but I think I probably should.

32. Falling for people who have not the slightest clue want they want. its stupid.

33. I still jump on my trampoline daily. its just my thing. like people go to the gym or whatever to just get away. well same goes for me and my trampoline.

34. I hate the way a person smells after getting a spray tan.

35. I wish people knew there self-worth.

36. A part of me wants to move out of Oklahoma, but I just say that cause I want to escape people and problems, but I know they will still always be there.

37. I didn't go visit my mom's grave on the day she died or her birthday. And I don't really know why I didn't.

39. I wanna go back to California and lay on the beach all day and listen to music.

41. Life's to short.

42. I like playing video games and I want to get a headset and play with people online. creepy.

43. I like having deep conversations with people.

44. I don't like spending time with my Grandma because I highly dislike the guy she married.

45. I hope I marry a man nothing like my dad.

46. I never want to live in a huge house.

47. Sometimes I think its perfectly fine when absolutely nothing works out.

48. I cry a lot when I'm driving.

49. I'll never forget that you told me if it didn't work out that I'd be okay. I'm okay.

50. I've changed myself for people before. I hate that I ever did that.

51. I think you were screwing me over from day one.

52. I suck at letting go.

53. I like buckle jeans better then the jeans we sell at my store. whoops.

54. I think boys think tapout shirts give them magical powers.

55. I think I should put myself out there more.

56. Most Taylor Swift songs make me cry.

57. I wanna be just like my mother when I'm a mom. and cook every night. well most.

58. I wish I didn't let certain people back in my life. they never changed.

59. I want another puppy. lab.

60. I don't know if I'll ever make it through college.

61. I know I deserved better. Its probably one of the best realizations I've had in awhile. It just clicked.

62. I can't stand people who hide from reality. It eventually catches up with you.

63. I wanna start riding bikes and running.

64. I wish I could stay committed to the gym. to lazy.

65. I think I enjoy sleep more than a person should. Sometimes I just don't really see the point in getting up. it makes me sad.

66. I want someone to fight for my heart.

67. I want someone who leaves the games behind.

68. People need to stop living in high school. high school's over. whatever happened back then. its the past now. so move the hell on.

69. I like cussing a lot these days. It doesn't make me feel any less lady like. sorry.

70. My ideal age to go back to would be 2. my parents were still together.

71. I think my dad never fell out of love with my mom. I think thats why nothing ever worked out with him relationship wise.

72. I wish my dad was still the man I knew when I was younger.

72. My best memories of a child was spending the whole day out on the boat at the lake. I wanna give my kids the same.

73. Sometimes i look back on relationships, people, or random times. and wonder how in the world i thought i was happy.

For me it's always seems easier to just walk away and leave. I think for the most part people would agree, its always easier to walk away and never look back. Lately I've become more of the person that doesn't really want to deal with life and its problems so I don't think about them or at least try to not think about them. Thats what scares me more than anything is because I know exactly where all this is coming from. I've lived in a home for the past 12 years that its just the norm to not deal with life, and I have this great fear that I'm gonna turn out to be exactly like the man that sits in that chair every night and hardly ever says a word and drinks most nights because thats how he deals. thats what gets him through. I always fail to realize that there is a God who loves me unconditionally and why I always fail to realize that. My problems may be big, but my God is bigger. I know that I have been made into a strong enough person to ever become that man that sits in that chair everynight because he can't deal.

all of my life

in every season

you are still God.