I think I just really need my mom right now. like I really do. I know she would make more sense of all of this than I currently am.

I think I'll always love driving around its like this quick escape. I always take the same way with the same music. Its always one song. put on repeat. and thats the way I like it. I feel like thats just how I work out lifes problems. I cry. I laugh. I smile. its not always sad. but I guess most of the time it is.

its been awhile.

Its crazy how much you can miss something, when its still right there in front of you.

I promise things will change and they will get better.

I hope you're still happy.

I couldn't tell you the first thing thats going on with me right now. couldn't tell you for the life of me. but it literally might be makin me crazy.

When one thing falls apart. I guess everything goes right on with it.

Schools over and I couldn't be happier. can't wait to start fresh.

I can't wait for the new year.

I can't wait for Christmas.

I hope someday someone will love a girl like me.

You know as much as I feel like we've moved on and things have changed and gotten better. I still can't seem to forgive you. I still can't seem to forget those drunken nights. the names you called me. the nights you made me feel worthless. told me I was worthless. those things I don't think people forget. the night I watched you fall down the hallway trying to make it to your bed. those nights I'll never forget. ever.

Maybe its not about making others proud as much as it is making myself proud of the girl I am.

Thank you for driving around with me on nights that I'm upset. things like that make me happier than you know.

I''m going to mess up. I'm going to say things I don't mean.

I've been a complete emotional wreck these past few days.

11.11.11

. this is going to be such a lucky day. and I hope I have lucky things happen to me.

. 11:11 is my favorite time and I love when I look down at the clock just to see what time it is and its 11:11

. You know I can wish a lot of things about myself I want whiter teeth, be skinner, be tanner, and whatever else. but I don't really know why.

. I had a really good day and night today. I'm glad that I'm making friends with new people that has never been my strongest point.

. Winter is the loneliest time its so gloomy and cold. and thats when I hate being alone the most.

. You know things are different with my Dad and he's happy, but I still don't have the desire to go back home and be there like my friends do all the time when they go home and spend hours there. I think this will always be a situation where I will always feel indifferent about.

. maybe you deserve better.

. some things change and some things never do and some things stay the same.

. I saw an old friend today. it was awkward. but I wish it wasn't and I wish nothing ever changed.

. Its hard to want somebody to get you and understand you. but how do you do that when you don't even understand yourself.

. Its fixing to pass the 12 year mark of my moms death and in a sense it gets easier but it gets harder every time. December 26th I hope you fly by.

.

. Just being honest I wanna get in my car and drive drive drive drive drive drive drive until there is absolutely nothing around. I'd like that.

. and the truth of the matter is I'm not sure I'm really wanted around here anymore.

. I can't figure out if its me or them. maybe it's me. maybe both. but I can tell you one thing not a single damn thing is the same.

. If you don't like it here, then leave.

. I wish I had Christmas movies to watch they make me beyond happy and if my room was decorated in twinkle lights. oh geez thats pure bliss right there and maybe some hot cocoa and my favorite cuddle partner. yeah thats the perfect night right there oh and maybe some frost on the windows. oh man. yes.

. I hope this is all that you've dreamed of.

. I'm far to complicated of a person and at the end of the day I'm pretty much beyond the point of being a mess.

. But I'm happy.