and the fact of the matter is it still hurts like hell. but I'll pretend it doesn't I guess until it just doesn't.

lately...

. I guess this is kinda what it feels like. and its the worst feeling in the world.

. I feel like its always for now on going to be past the point of fixable.

. A child should never have to worry about their parent taking their own life.

. I'm still trying to find happiness in each and everyday. no matter what.

. I just wish you'd understand how much sometimes I just need someone to just hold me and really tell me its all going to be okay. and that may be silly. but right now its exactly what I need. more than anything.

I've never liked it when people blame their present life based on their past life, but I've spent a lot of time thinking about this today and its really hard sometimes to not base your present from your past. Its really hard. You left me a completely broken person. You left me with so many issues with myself and I do blame that on you. because you couldn't do your job. you just couldn't. the things you yelled at me and convinced me that I am. I'll never forget the times you yelled at me calling me "a piece of shit" among the many other vulgar things you said and somehow convinced me thats all I was. but yet to come apologize later on. So today as I sit here and write all of this down I still realize there are so many parts of me that are still in repair after all those years. and its going to take time. its going to take a lot of time for me to be okay. I've seriously considered going back to counseling to maybe in hopes fix this brokeness. I told my sister the other day that I would never allow you to walk me down the isle of my wedding one day and she was shocked but I will never let the man that was supposed to "love" me give me away to that man that first loved me. because I know the love that you think you showed me is not love thats never love. ever. cause you don't do the things you did to the people you love. you just don.t this will forever break my heart. and the crazy thing is I still try so hard to be everything you need and want and try so hard to make you happy but I've finally for the last time came to realization that it will never be about me. and I will never be to blame for your life.

I'm not okay right now. but I'm going to be okay. I can promise you that.

I think I just really need my mom right now. like I really do. I know she would make more sense of all of this than I currently am.

I think I'll always love driving around its like this quick escape. I always take the same way with the same music. Its always one song. put on repeat. and thats the way I like it. I feel like thats just how I work out lifes problems. I cry. I laugh. I smile. its not always sad. but I guess most of the time it is.

its been awhile.

Its crazy how much you can miss something, when its still right there in front of you.

I promise things will change and they will get better.

I hope you're still happy.

I couldn't tell you the first thing thats going on with me right now. couldn't tell you for the life of me. but it literally might be makin me crazy.

When one thing falls apart. I guess everything goes right on with it.

Schools over and I couldn't be happier. can't wait to start fresh.

I can't wait for the new year.

I can't wait for Christmas.

I hope someday someone will love a girl like me.

You know as much as I feel like we've moved on and things have changed and gotten better. I still can't seem to forgive you. I still can't seem to forget those drunken nights. the names you called me. the nights you made me feel worthless. told me I was worthless. those things I don't think people forget. the night I watched you fall down the hallway trying to make it to your bed. those nights I'll never forget. ever.

Maybe its not about making others proud as much as it is making myself proud of the girl I am.

Thank you for driving around with me on nights that I'm upset. things like that make me happier than you know.

I''m going to mess up. I'm going to say things I don't mean.

I've been a complete emotional wreck these past few days.

11.11.11

. this is going to be such a lucky day. and I hope I have lucky things happen to me.

. 11:11 is my favorite time and I love when I look down at the clock just to see what time it is and its 11:11

. You know I can wish a lot of things about myself I want whiter teeth, be skinner, be tanner, and whatever else. but I don't really know why.

. I had a really good day and night today. I'm glad that I'm making friends with new people that has never been my strongest point.

. Winter is the loneliest time its so gloomy and cold. and thats when I hate being alone the most.

. You know things are different with my Dad and he's happy, but I still don't have the desire to go back home and be there like my friends do all the time when they go home and spend hours there. I think this will always be a situation where I will always feel indifferent about.

. maybe you deserve better.

. some things change and some things never do and some things stay the same.

. I saw an old friend today. it was awkward. but I wish it wasn't and I wish nothing ever changed.

. Its hard to want somebody to get you and understand you. but how do you do that when you don't even understand yourself.

. Its fixing to pass the 12 year mark of my moms death and in a sense it gets easier but it gets harder every time. December 26th I hope you fly by.

.

. Just being honest I wanna get in my car and drive drive drive drive drive drive drive until there is absolutely nothing around. I'd like that.

. and the truth of the matter is I'm not sure I'm really wanted around here anymore.

. I can't figure out if its me or them. maybe it's me. maybe both. but I can tell you one thing not a single damn thing is the same.

. If you don't like it here, then leave.

. I wish I had Christmas movies to watch they make me beyond happy and if my room was decorated in twinkle lights. oh geez thats pure bliss right there and maybe some hot cocoa and my favorite cuddle partner. yeah thats the perfect night right there oh and maybe some frost on the windows. oh man. yes.

. I hope this is all that you've dreamed of.

. I'm far to complicated of a person and at the end of the day I'm pretty much beyond the point of being a mess.

. But I'm happy.

happiness.

. My dad seems really really happy you know like that really good kind of happy the one where you just laugh and laugh and its that laugh I haven't heard in years. I'm crying as I write this. this is a perfect example of why I know God is good. my prayers for the past several years have been answered and my heart feels peace and happiness knowing that my dad is in a really happy place in life. I feel like restoration is in progress and I'm willing and able to accept this. Thank you God.

. Even though this weekend wasn't perfect matter of fact it wasn't really perfect at all. but thank you for not leaving. thank you. I can't really say I'm sorry for acting the way I did. but I'm glad at the end of the day you made a choice to stick around.

. I'm happy. really happy. and for some reason thats weird to me. but I love it.

. This Miranda Lambert CD is really dang good.

. I can't wait to watch cars 2. i'm lame. but I love that movie. so freakin much.

. Sometimes I let my insecurities get the best of me. and it sucks. but sometimes it happens. I'm workin on it.

. I feel like things are falling together wonderfully and things are falling apart. but I've got a good feeling that it will be fine.

. thank you for telling me that it will be fine. it means the world.

. okay goodnight lovely world.

oh you know.

. I called you the other day for the first time just to tell you about my life and what was going on. you seemed happy for me. thank you. I cried knowing that for once you were happy for me. you don't know how long I've needed that. thank you dad.

. I went to the taylor swift concert this past saturday. walking in I saw a dad taking his three young daughters to see her perform. I hope I marry a man like this someday. I won't settle for less than a man who will love his children unconditionally.

. Really take a look at your life. you have nothing to hate. you live a beautiful life.

. I had a random act of kindness done for me today. it really did make my whole day.

. You know the truth is I haven't a clue anymore. and I'm learning to just go with it. I'm doing pretty good.

. You're pretty dang good at leavin people with that feel like crap feeling.

. I wish more than anything that I had more memories of my mom. but I've only got a few. and I hold on to them like nothing else. she was a beautiful person inside and out.

. I really do think everything is turning out just how it should. I'm at a really happy place in life.

. I decided where I stand on drinking. and I make my choices based on how I see my family deal with alcohol. I remember being 13 and my dad calling my sister to come get him cause he was so drunk. I'm not willing to walk down that path.

. Its time for you to grow up. act 31. for the love of God.

. you are an amazing person. beyond amazing. and I don't even think you know how quite amazing you are.

. I interviewed for my first "real" job today. my bestfriends texted me wishing me the best of luck cause I was so nervous. the little things like that really really make me happy.

. You don't even have a clue. do you?

. I don't think you quite know how to just be there for someone. just to be there. thats all. thats really all.

. I wish I had a really good rain playlist to listen to when it rains.

. I'm currently sitting here writing this listening to eric church. i love his music.

. All I wanna do right now is play the sims. geez.

. The reason I don't wanna drink, is because it scares me that someday maybe I won't be able to handle it just as you can't.

. I wish I could go back to the very beginning of summer sometimes.

. Summer to me is just so simple and easy. and that is literally what I live for.

. So I'd give anything to be sitting at the lake right now no makeup my hair is a mess without a care in the world.

my thoughts lately. okay bye.

no idea anymore.

Currently I'm sitting here and I think about this one thing all the time, and its what exactly I want to do in life and what I want out of life. Its to the point that I stress out almost daily and have mini panic attacks but then I take a deep breathe and remind myself that I'm nineteen years young, I'm not supposed to have it all together and know exactly where I'm going right? or no. But I've really learned not knowing what you want is one of the most horrible feelings. I've never really been here before. I've never been the one to not know what I want. but now i'm here and just so you know it really sucks. but I continually tell myself I'll be alright and I'll figure it out on my own. and thats what I'm going to keep telling myself. until one day it makes sense and I know what I want.

I wrote this august of 2009. funny how things change.

1. You've honestly been the bestest freind I could possibly ever ask for... we fight sometimes well acutaly matter of fact we did today. haha but i cant really put into words of how much your inpsire me and the passion that you have for God is beyond amazing and i admire that so much.. you probably dont know this but i look up to you show much.. you have also been the most honest truthful person ive ever met and probably ever will meet i love how you are you lol i love how we have jokes that no one will ever get and how were so weird and we kind of just dont really care.. i love you more than words can really say.
2. You are also the most amazing best friend that ive ever had.. you've been there through it all and you just listen when i cry about the same thing over and over and youve probably given me the most amazing advice and your one of the wiset people i know. your passion for just life and God and fusion amaze me. i love you.
3. I wanna thank you so much for always supporting everything that I have ever wanted to do in life. Thank you for loving me.
4. Thank you for letting me be my complete self around you and loving me for who I am and thank you for supporting me even though we fight way to much i will always love you and you have made a huge impact on my life. I look up to you a lot even thought we don't really see eye to eye on a lot. I will always love you with all of my heart.
5. I miss you more than words can really say... I wish I got to know you better and I wish you were still here today. But I know that its all a part of God's plan I want to thank you for raising me the way you did, and thank you for being the one to implant that seed of faith in my life. You are one of the most amazing women of God and love i will ever meet. I love and miss you so much.
6. You have always been that guy that has always been there.. I wanna thank you for being there that night that i just poured my heart out to you. You don't know how much you've helped me in life I don't think I tell you that enough. Your one of the most amazing guys I have ever had in my life.
7. Thank you for being you.
8. I've had some of the best times in my life with you. I think you brought out a side of me that I was missing.
9. I wish we were still friends.
10. You are one of the most amazing people that I have been blessed with in life. I admire you for all that you've been through in life and been one of the strongest people I know. Thank you for making realize so many things in life. i love you.

-I think out of all of these maybe 3 remain true. its so crazy how much things change and people change.

. You deserve more than what you've got. I hope you know that.

. Everyone deserves to be happy.

. I'm glad I don't go a day without laughing. and I'm glad I've got people who make me laugh on a daily basis. thats a pretty important thing.

. I promise that your day will come.

. You wouldn't even eat dinner with me the other night. that really hurt my feelings. I hope you know that. but the truth is you probably haven't the slightest clue.

. You can't run away forever.

. I love when it rains. I love thinking really hard when it rains. I love reading when it rains. I love cuddling when it rains. I love kissing when it rains. I love baking when it rains. I love crying when it rains. I love laying on the couch with my best friends watching movies and talking about life when it rains. I love driving when it rains. I love listening to music about rain while it rains. I just really love rain.

. I hope your happy where ever you go. and I hope you know that.

. You know people are gonna say things sometimes that hurt your feelings make you cry or whatever. but you eventually get over it. I'm just learning to get over it a lot quicker. cause when you really sit back and think about it. its never worth getting upset over.

. When I think about where I'll be this time next year. it really scares me. the thought of my two best friends moving scares me.

. I looked up colleges in texas the other night. but for some reason I don't think I'm ready to pack up and leave this place just yet. or maybe its cause I don't wanna go alone. but sometimes I think its good to go on your own.

. I don't really quite know where i'd be if you moved 12 hours away.

. I feel like I'm fixing to feel what change really is.

. and this time I'm not included in that change.

. so for right now I just need someone to tell me that its all going to be fine and they will be fine and i'll be fine.

. you had a really good thing. and you let that go.

. the truth is I couldn't tell you the first thing about you anymore. and its weird that I can't do that. we used to know each other like the back of our hands. people change. grow apart. and move on. and thats what we did.

. I trust you.

. I can't even express how much I love the little things and life. I'll always hold on to the little things. always.

. It was a lesson learned.

. Sometimes I wanna drive back to the house I grew up in. and just ask to come in. my step dad never let me back in that house after my mom passed. I just wanna see it one more time. its not for closure. I just wanna go back. i guess just because. thats okay right.

. I hate when people say "they didn't know what they had" cause maybe at the end of the day you didn't know what you had.

. I kinda miss the little things. it kinda just all stopped.

. Somethings are better left unsaid. remember that.

. I remember the day I fell for you. it was a really really great day.

. If there is one thing that I hope you never forget is where you came from.

hey if by chance you're reading this..

i like you. and thank you for always caring about what I write and I love the little ways you let me know that you have read it. you really don't know how much that means to me.

heres a title.

. I'm no good at this. and thats where every fear I have comes from. no one ever taught me how to do all this. I'm not sure your taught how to do this all. but who knows.

. Its nights like these I hate where you know you'll get no sleep. but thats just about every night.

. it was you.

. I get my feelings hurt far to much. maybe cause I care too much.

. I want someone to know me and why i'm me and why I do what I do. the good and bad.

. I cry most nights not knowing how you are and wondering if your okay. i could pick up the phone and call. but i wont.

. I hate feeling the way I feel about life right now. I'm really happy. but I'm really upset all at the same time. I wonder all the time where I'll even be next year. cause I literally have no idea what I want to do. and if you've ever felt that feeling. its a real sucky one.

. I think to far into just about everything and anything.

. You know some things you can't change about people. you either choose to be okay with that. or you can leave and walk away.

. You've got it made and you have no idea.

. You know I say all the time I'm okay with where I came from and all that follows with that. but somedays I'm really not. and I wish it was different. cause then I'd be different and probably not as screwed up as I am. but then I remember I've got people that love me for that screwed up person that I am.

. I've never wanted to punch someone more than that night. you deserve so much more than that. so much more.

. You know I really do hope it works out for you two. but remember your the one that pushed us all away.

. I'm still searching for the reason of why my mom died. and how thats in my plan.

. Cause I find a new damn reason everyday of why I need her. every damn day.

. Sometimes I write blogs. that just sit on my computer. and I dont really know why I dont post them.

. I can't tell you why I am the way I am. i'm sorry.

. I wish I had that to go home to.

. I don't like bringing up old things. but I bet you couldn't tell me the first thing about myself. or what I even liked or didn't like. I bet not even one simple thing.

. My dad hasn't told me he missed me once since I left. I didn't expect it. I guess I just thought it would be nice to know you missed me. if you did.

. I really do wish puppies made everything better. cause I'd like about 7 right now.

. People are people. they make mistakes.

. That hurt my feelings more than you'll ever know.

. Reading peoples blogs of the work that God is doing in their lives. always makes my heart happy.

. I'm learning to give it all to God. and be able to trust in him with everything that I've got. I think I finally reached a breaking point of pain and brokenness. and I'm tired. and broken. and its still really hard at the end of the day to give it all to God. I'm just being real. so many times I try to do it on my own. I've failed for the last several years at it. I feel like I've finally hit that point of really really learning that I can not overcome without him.

. I'm seriously about to walk myself downstairs and eat that whole pan of brownies.

. I wanna fall in love one day. I'm sure its a really amazing thing. but I've seen people be "in love" and if thats love then I really don't want any part of it.

. I will never ever change myself for someone. ever. I've been there and done that. I've never been more disappointed in myself.

. I'm not afraid to admit I'm wrong. cause I'm wrong a lot.

la la la la la

. You've got a really weird way of making me feel like crap.

. I really have the urge to be in texas right now. it just seems like the fun thing to do.

. I think sometimes its okay to think about people you know you shouldn't who doesn't?

. I get my feelings hurt to easily.

. I thank God everyday for answering that prayer.

. Some people really get me, and some really don't. but thats normal. and thats life.

. I'll never apologize for being me.

. The funniest thing I heard today was that my dad bought a bowling alley. it made me laugh so hard. random fact.

. I think I might start going to counseling again. I wanna get over it. but I don't know how anymore.

. I'm not ashamed to post anything on here. so sorry if you think I'm weird.

. The littlest things make my day, I saw a shooting star tonight it made me so happy.

. I'm learning to just walk away from the silly things.

. I try to never sad or mad tweet.

. I wish I was a beautiful dancer. i have no rhythm. so I do it for the laughs.

. My sisters business is closing down, I'm sad to see her dream go away. and be unsuccessful. but i see a lot of good in it for her. it will be okay. i promise. through thick and thin.

.