Saturday, February 12, 2011


i've wished so much lately that you could just change and be the dad i've need for the past 10 years of my life. I've been told by it seems like everyone on your side of the family that you just don't know how to love like i needed you to you. like your not capable. they said you show your love by finically providing for me. because i know that dads aren't as affectionally loving as mothers are to their children. so i believed that you loved me by financial support. but it was lies it turns out you had been taking money out of my trust fund in excess amounts. it was never used on me. this sounds so stupid but all i wanted when i was little was to go to disney world and just be a kid and experience it like all my friends did. but instead you blew your money on several vacations to vegas with your girlfriend at the time. and i know you were left all alone to do this whole parent thing. and i know thats never easy. i know that. but for once i just needed you to care. just for a little bit. thats all i wanted. and you couldn't. i feel bad for disliking someone so much. i don't think you'll ever understand the pain you've made me feel. the nights you'd ask my why i was crying. but i don't think you really cared. you just knew it was the right "dad" move. and you'd always turn the conversations on to you and your problems because you don't know how to just be there. just to listen to me. you couldn't. so i'd listen to you for hours on end about relationships with women you should've made it work with. or you should of done this or that with your life. when it was just for once supposed to be me pouring my heart out with what was going on with me. i've reached the point where i don't care about you anymore. it breaks my heart that i somehow just don't care about my own dad anymore. i don't care anymore that i come home most every night and your drinking and listening to sad music for hours upon hours. because you can't deal with life. and i find a lot of that in myself and i know where i get it. it scares me more than anything that i will turn out like you. i'll never forget all of the verbal abuse you put me through. but i have forgiven for you that. but somehow i just can't seem to forget it. yet. I'm done trying to please you and make you happy. i've learned that what makes you happy is woman and money. i can't give you that. i hope one day you reliaze i needed you all those years and you weren't there.

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