Monday, October 31, 2011


. My dad seems really really happy you know like that really good kind of happy the one where you just laugh and laugh and its that laugh I haven't heard in years. I'm crying as I write this. this is a perfect example of why I know God is good. my prayers for the past several years have been answered and my heart feels peace and happiness knowing that my dad is in a really happy place in life. I feel like restoration is in progress and I'm willing and able to accept this. Thank you God.
. Even though this weekend wasn't perfect matter of fact it wasn't really perfect at all. but thank you for not leaving. thank you. I can't really say I'm sorry for acting the way I did. but I'm glad at the end of the day you made a choice to stick around.
. I'm happy. really happy. and for some reason thats weird to me. but I love it.
. This Miranda Lambert CD is really dang good.
. I can't wait to watch cars 2. i'm lame. but I love that movie. so freakin much.
. Sometimes I let my insecurities get the best of me. and it sucks. but sometimes it happens. I'm workin on it.
. I feel like things are falling together wonderfully and things are falling apart. but I've got a good feeling that it will be fine.
. thank you for telling me that it will be fine. it means the world.
. okay goodnight lovely world.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

oh you know.

. I called you the other day for the first time just to tell you about my life and what was going on. you seemed happy for me. thank you. I cried knowing that for once you were happy for me. you don't know how long I've needed that. thank you dad.
. I went to the taylor swift concert this past saturday. walking in I saw a dad taking his three young daughters to see her perform. I hope I marry a man like this someday. I won't settle for less than a man who will love his children unconditionally.
. Really take a look at your life. you have nothing to hate. you live a beautiful life.
. I had a random act of kindness done for me today. it really did make my whole day.
. You know the truth is I haven't a clue anymore. and I'm learning to just go with it. I'm doing pretty good.
. You're pretty dang good at leavin people with that feel like crap feeling.
. I wish more than anything that I had more memories of my mom. but I've only got a few. and I hold on to them like nothing else. she was a beautiful person inside and out.
. I really do think everything is turning out just how it should. I'm at a really happy place in life.
. I decided where I stand on drinking. and I make my choices based on how I see my family deal with alcohol. I remember being 13 and my dad calling my sister to come get him cause he was so drunk. I'm not willing to walk down that path.
. Its time for you to grow up. act 31. for the love of God.
. you are an amazing person. beyond amazing. and I don't even think you know how quite amazing you are.
. I interviewed for my first "real" job today. my bestfriends texted me wishing me the best of luck cause I was so nervous. the little things like that really really make me happy.
. You don't even have a clue. do you?
. I don't think you quite know how to just be there for someone. just to be there. thats all. thats really all.
. I wish I had a really good rain playlist to listen to when it rains.
. I'm currently sitting here writing this listening to eric church. i love his music.
. All I wanna do right now is play the sims. geez.
. The reason I don't wanna drink, is because it scares me that someday maybe I won't be able to handle it just as you can't.
. I wish I could go back to the very beginning of summer sometimes.
. Summer to me is just so simple and easy. and that is literally what I live for.
. So I'd give anything to be sitting at the lake right now no makeup my hair is a mess without a care in the world.

my thoughts lately. okay bye.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

no idea anymore.

Currently I'm sitting here and I think about this one thing all the time, and its what exactly I want to do in life and what I want out of life. Its to the point that I stress out almost daily and have mini panic attacks but then I take a deep breathe and remind myself that I'm nineteen years young, I'm not supposed to have it all together and know exactly where I'm going right? or no. But I've really learned not knowing what you want is one of the most horrible feelings. I've never really been here before. I've never been the one to not know what I want. but now i'm here and just so you know it really sucks. but I continually tell myself I'll be alright and I'll figure it out on my own. and thats what I'm going to keep telling myself. until one day it makes sense and I know what I want.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

I wrote this august of 2009. funny how things change.

1. You've honestly been the bestest freind I could possibly ever ask for... we fight sometimes well acutaly matter of fact we did today. haha but i cant really put into words of how much your inpsire me and the passion that you have for God is beyond amazing and i admire that so much.. you probably dont know this but i look up to you show much.. you have also been the most honest truthful person ive ever met and probably ever will meet i love how you are you lol i love how we have jokes that no one will ever get and how were so weird and we kind of just dont really care.. i love you more than words can really say.
2. You are also the most amazing best friend that ive ever had.. you've been there through it all and you just listen when i cry about the same thing over and over and youve probably given me the most amazing advice and your one of the wiset people i know. your passion for just life and God and fusion amaze me. i love you.
3. I wanna thank you so much for always supporting everything that I have ever wanted to do in life. Thank you for loving me.
4. Thank you for letting me be my complete self around you and loving me for who I am and thank you for supporting me even though we fight way to much i will always love you and you have made a huge impact on my life. I look up to you a lot even thought we don't really see eye to eye on a lot. I will always love you with all of my heart.
5. I miss you more than words can really say... I wish I got to know you better and I wish you were still here today. But I know that its all a part of God's plan I want to thank you for raising me the way you did, and thank you for being the one to implant that seed of faith in my life. You are one of the most amazing women of God and love i will ever meet. I love and miss you so much.
6. You have always been that guy that has always been there.. I wanna thank you for being there that night that i just poured my heart out to you. You don't know how much you've helped me in life I don't think I tell you that enough. Your one of the most amazing guys I have ever had in my life.
7. Thank you for being you.
8. I've had some of the best times in my life with you. I think you brought out a side of me that I was missing.
9. I wish we were still friends.
10. You are one of the most amazing people that I have been blessed with in life. I admire you for all that you've been through in life and been one of the strongest people I know. Thank you for making realize so many things in life. i love you.

-I think out of all of these maybe 3 remain true. its so crazy how much things change and people change.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

. You deserve more than what you've got. I hope you know that.
. Everyone deserves to be happy.
. I'm glad I don't go a day without laughing. and I'm glad I've got people who make me laugh on a daily basis. thats a pretty important thing.
. I promise that your day will come.
. You wouldn't even eat dinner with me the other night. that really hurt my feelings. I hope you know that. but the truth is you probably haven't the slightest clue.
. You can't run away forever.
. I love when it rains. I love thinking really hard when it rains. I love reading when it rains. I love cuddling when it rains. I love kissing when it rains. I love baking when it rains. I love crying when it rains. I love laying on the couch with my best friends watching movies and talking about life when it rains. I love driving when it rains. I love listening to music about rain while it rains. I just really love rain.
. I hope your happy where ever you go. and I hope you know that.
. You know people are gonna say things sometimes that hurt your feelings make you cry or whatever. but you eventually get over it. I'm just learning to get over it a lot quicker. cause when you really sit back and think about it. its never worth getting upset over.
. When I think about where I'll be this time next year. it really scares me. the thought of my two best friends moving scares me.
. I looked up colleges in texas the other night. but for some reason I don't think I'm ready to pack up and leave this place just yet. or maybe its cause I don't wanna go alone. but sometimes I think its good to go on your own.
. I don't really quite know where i'd be if you moved 12 hours away.
. I feel like I'm fixing to feel what change really is.
. and this time I'm not included in that change.
. so for right now I just need someone to tell me that its all going to be fine and they will be fine and i'll be fine.
. you had a really good thing. and you let that go.
. the truth is I couldn't tell you the first thing about you anymore. and its weird that I can't do that. we used to know each other like the back of our hands. people change. grow apart. and move on. and thats what we did.
. I trust you.
. I can't even express how much I love the little things and life. I'll always hold on to the little things. always.
. It was a lesson learned.
. Sometimes I wanna drive back to the house I grew up in. and just ask to come in. my step dad never let me back in that house after my mom passed. I just wanna see it one more time. its not for closure. I just wanna go back. i guess just because. thats okay right.
. I hate when people say "they didn't know what they had" cause maybe at the end of the day you didn't know what you had.
. I kinda miss the little things. it kinda just all stopped.
. Somethings are better left unsaid. remember that.
. I remember the day I fell for you. it was a really really great day.
. If there is one thing that I hope you never forget is where you came from.

Monday, October 3, 2011

hey if by chance you're reading this..

i like you. and thank you for always caring about what I write and I love the little ways you let me know that you have read it. you really don't know how much that means to me.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

heres a title.

. I'm no good at this. and thats where every fear I have comes from. no one ever taught me how to do all this. I'm not sure your taught how to do this all. but who knows.
. Its nights like these I hate where you know you'll get no sleep. but thats just about every night.
. it was you.
. I get my feelings hurt far to much. maybe cause I care too much.
. I want someone to know me and why i'm me and why I do what I do. the good and bad.
. I cry most nights not knowing how you are and wondering if your okay. i could pick up the phone and call. but i wont.
. I hate feeling the way I feel about life right now. I'm really happy. but I'm really upset all at the same time. I wonder all the time where I'll even be next year. cause I literally have no idea what I want to do. and if you've ever felt that feeling. its a real sucky one.
. I think to far into just about everything and anything.
. You know some things you can't change about people. you either choose to be okay with that. or you can leave and walk away.
. You've got it made and you have no idea.
. You know I say all the time I'm okay with where I came from and all that follows with that. but somedays I'm really not. and I wish it was different. cause then I'd be different and probably not as screwed up as I am. but then I remember I've got people that love me for that screwed up person that I am.
. I've never wanted to punch someone more than that night. you deserve so much more than that. so much more.
. You know I really do hope it works out for you two. but remember your the one that pushed us all away.
. I'm still searching for the reason of why my mom died. and how thats in my plan.
. Cause I find a new damn reason everyday of why I need her. every damn day.
. Sometimes I write blogs. that just sit on my computer. and I dont really know why I dont post them.
. I can't tell you why I am the way I am. i'm sorry.
. I wish I had that to go home to.
. I don't like bringing up old things. but I bet you couldn't tell me the first thing about myself. or what I even liked or didn't like. I bet not even one simple thing.
. My dad hasn't told me he missed me once since I left. I didn't expect it. I guess I just thought it would be nice to know you missed me. if you did.
. I really do wish puppies made everything better. cause I'd like about 7 right now.
. People are people. they make mistakes.
. That hurt my feelings more than you'll ever know.
. Reading peoples blogs of the work that God is doing in their lives. always makes my heart happy.
. I'm learning to give it all to God. and be able to trust in him with everything that I've got. I think I finally reached a breaking point of pain and brokenness. and I'm tired. and broken. and its still really hard at the end of the day to give it all to God. I'm just being real. so many times I try to do it on my own. I've failed for the last several years at it. I feel like I've finally hit that point of really really learning that I can not overcome without him.
. I'm seriously about to walk myself downstairs and eat that whole pan of brownies.
. I wanna fall in love one day. I'm sure its a really amazing thing. but I've seen people be "in love" and if thats love then I really don't want any part of it.
. I will never ever change myself for someone. ever. I've been there and done that. I've never been more disappointed in myself.
. I'm not afraid to admit I'm wrong. cause I'm wrong a lot.