Sunday, October 2, 2011

heres a title.

. I'm no good at this. and thats where every fear I have comes from. no one ever taught me how to do all this. I'm not sure your taught how to do this all. but who knows.
. Its nights like these I hate where you know you'll get no sleep. but thats just about every night.
. it was you.
. I get my feelings hurt far to much. maybe cause I care too much.
. I want someone to know me and why i'm me and why I do what I do. the good and bad.
. I cry most nights not knowing how you are and wondering if your okay. i could pick up the phone and call. but i wont.
. I hate feeling the way I feel about life right now. I'm really happy. but I'm really upset all at the same time. I wonder all the time where I'll even be next year. cause I literally have no idea what I want to do. and if you've ever felt that feeling. its a real sucky one.
. I think to far into just about everything and anything.
. You know some things you can't change about people. you either choose to be okay with that. or you can leave and walk away.
. You've got it made and you have no idea.
. You know I say all the time I'm okay with where I came from and all that follows with that. but somedays I'm really not. and I wish it was different. cause then I'd be different and probably not as screwed up as I am. but then I remember I've got people that love me for that screwed up person that I am.
. I've never wanted to punch someone more than that night. you deserve so much more than that. so much more.
. You know I really do hope it works out for you two. but remember your the one that pushed us all away.
. I'm still searching for the reason of why my mom died. and how thats in my plan.
. Cause I find a new damn reason everyday of why I need her. every damn day.
. Sometimes I write blogs. that just sit on my computer. and I dont really know why I dont post them.
. I can't tell you why I am the way I am. i'm sorry.
. I wish I had that to go home to.
. I don't like bringing up old things. but I bet you couldn't tell me the first thing about myself. or what I even liked or didn't like. I bet not even one simple thing.
. My dad hasn't told me he missed me once since I left. I didn't expect it. I guess I just thought it would be nice to know you missed me. if you did.
. I really do wish puppies made everything better. cause I'd like about 7 right now.
. People are people. they make mistakes.
. That hurt my feelings more than you'll ever know.
. Reading peoples blogs of the work that God is doing in their lives. always makes my heart happy.
. I'm learning to give it all to God. and be able to trust in him with everything that I've got. I think I finally reached a breaking point of pain and brokenness. and I'm tired. and broken. and its still really hard at the end of the day to give it all to God. I'm just being real. so many times I try to do it on my own. I've failed for the last several years at it. I feel like I've finally hit that point of really really learning that I can not overcome without him.
. I'm seriously about to walk myself downstairs and eat that whole pan of brownies.
. I wanna fall in love one day. I'm sure its a really amazing thing. but I've seen people be "in love" and if thats love then I really don't want any part of it.
. I will never ever change myself for someone. ever. I've been there and done that. I've never been more disappointed in myself.
. I'm not afraid to admit I'm wrong. cause I'm wrong a lot.

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